my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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