I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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