I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
