phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
