I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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