I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
