You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
