you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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