She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
