Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
