I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
where are you?
Hypothermia
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
