My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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