Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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