Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
