Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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