apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Text me some of your sweat
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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