The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
