When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
