Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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