Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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