I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
