Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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