worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
