it's too hot outside to masturbate.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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