He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
