Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
