I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
