Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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