Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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