On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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