omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
