it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
