How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
