Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
