And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
