Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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