apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
