I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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