remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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