Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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