Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
