i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
