my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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