As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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