Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
