as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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