I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
