a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
