I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
