the condom got lost in my hair
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
