every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
