Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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