remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
