Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
